Stuck in the mist from Lusikisiki, Eastern Cape writes…
I am in love. I have been dating my partner for 10 months and things have been going smoothly. I farm with sheep while she is a teacher. We did not really have the easiest start to the relationship. She once mentioned that she was not from South Africa and said that she fled a very painful five-year marriage before she met me.
She is secretive about everything. She can get really cold when I ask her about her previous life. My friends and family do not trust her, but I see a woman who has been hurt and is looking to heal. I have suggested therapy but she has refused. Should I just leave her to find her own healing?
My dearest Stuck
Any upstanding citizen can agree that dating is confusing babe. Worse yet when you have someone who is dealing with some trauma.
Over the past couple of years we have seen the conversation around trauma and mental health become normalised and there are more counselling and treatment options available at our disposal.
Somehow, though, this trauma-sensitive perspective doesn’t seem to have reached the dating world quite yet.
But what is trauma really? The truth? Trauma is a relatively broad term that typically refers to the emotional and physiological effects that a person experiences after something negative has happened to them. Think flight or fight. It is that initial shock that you will struggle to process even after it happened.
I understand that you may be feeling a little torn. It’s a new love for you but I must implore you to be as patient as you can be.
Having an understanding of how trauma works can help you better understand basically every relationship you have, not just romantic ones. At the right time, she will open up. Be patient, be her peace. This thing is not about you babes…
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