Screwed And Forgotten from George in the Western Cape writes…
Liewe Lulu,
I haven’t been able to reach an orgasm in the two years I have been with my boyfriend.
Alone, definitely. In previous relationships? Oh God yes. But never with him and it’s been frustrating to say the least.
When we first started dating, I lied and told him that I never had one, to avoid, you know, pressure and spare his feelings.
Masking my secret shame, I have been a little more encouraging in between the sheets and have succeeded in persuading his stubborn a** to try different forms of stimulation, I even try a little direction here and there, but eish Lulz, nada. Zilch.
When we’re being sexual together, it feels good and sometimes I feel close to an orgasm but then suddenly things start to feel painful and awkward, and I need to ask him to stop and just lay down for a bit.
As a small-scale farmer, I get stressed out a lot and I need my release, so I bought myself a little present in the form of a vibrator.
I thought I hid it well enough, but he found it. And it’s been tense. He is so stuck in his ways about what sex is supposed to be and narrow-minded in his approach.
According to him we should not have to try different things to help me out. It should “just happen naturally.”
It makes me feel like there is something wrong with me, while he feels like there is something wrong with him because his “success rate is legendary.”
I love him, he is caring, deep and tender but a bit on the ignorant side.
How can we understand each other to move past this? Please help a sister out.
Screwed, my dearest cupcake…
Sigh. Deep sigh. And an even deeper sigh.
Mr Man may have the charm of a thousand Drakes, but let us be clear: he has no bleeping idea what he is talking about. Bless his soul.
Women are complex AF! And while his ignorance doesn’t mean he is a complete a**, it does mean that like most okes he’s gotten terrible word of mouth sex education and doesn’t even have a basic, rudimentary idea of how a woman reaches the “Big O.”
His borderline arrogant dismissal of YOUR opinions about YOUR OWN body are a bit on the douchey side, though.
He can never know YOUR body better than YOU do. He needs to stop dismissing your feelings and making you feel like “there’s something wrong with me” when there is nothing wrong with you. Period.
Female O’s are hens’ teeth. Do not blame yourself. Do not let him tell you how you should reach completion.
Also, what is he getting so threatened for by your friendly, vibrating friend? Because of his magical penis you should not explore YOUR body? No, 20 000 women did not march to the Union Buildings in 1956 for you to be liberated as a woman and keep silent.
The answers you seek are simple though. Educate, educate, educate that blissfully ignorant man.
Peruse adult literature of the Ian Kerner variety. She comes first is a good place to start.
Here is a wild fact, research shows between 70 and 80 percent of all women do not climax from vaginal sex. And no this is not because his penis “isn’t big enough” or he is “not man enough” or you’re “not turned on by him” or whatever rubbish he’s been fed.
Simply put, women are, well, unique.
Our biology is way different and more complex. And our male counterparts, well, they are a bit on the onnosel side and base their sex lives on a lot of misinformation.
Vaginal sex may have worked on one girl this one time, but it does not stimulate you. You, my sweet, are a snowflake, and you are different and that makes you special.
Your needs are valid. Make him listen and understand this. Sex is trust. Trust-insecurities intrude the bed and like a thief in the night rob you of sexual freedom. Once trust is MUTUALLY established it offers comfort and stability.
You are the captain of your ship and know what is best for it, so he must trust you.
E-mail your fave no-holds-barred agri agony aunt
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