Farmer-ella from Qonce in the Eastern Cape
I swear I struck gold when I met my future husband! Not only is he tender, but he also has a heart of gold and farms with chickens and vegetables on a small farm just outside of town.
It is beautiful here and I look forward to building our farming business together as his wife.
We have been blissfully in love for two and a half years and recently decided to take the next step in our relationship by moving in together before we tie the knot at the end of the year.
There is a little problem though, he is a complete slob.
Lulz, you would swear this man does not even see the mess around him. He is always spilling something on himself or the floor. Do not even get me started on the crumbs on the kitchen counter tops or the bathroom sink scattered with facial hair. The wide-open cabinet doors are a sight that makes me want to throw my 32-inch wig at his head!
I know he is distracted and “busy” but honestly that is no excuse for him not to be cleaning up after himself.
I am not even a neat freak or anything like that and I am not asking him to scrub a toilet. We do plan on having someone who will clean the house and all that, but I refuse to live in a house where there is always spilled food stuck on the counter or table and our dishwasher is bursting at its seams in between cleanings.
I hate walking into a room and knowing in detail the trail of a mess he left.
I tried to address it, but do not want to come across as a nag. I am anxious about our future cohabitation and do not want to set myself up for a lifetime of cleaning.
My Dearest Ella,
One word, babes. TRIGGERED!
Honestly, I think you are quite right to fear the move, but the longer you are silent, the more overwhelmed you feel by this messy idiot.
If there is anything that irks me to my core, it is a beautiful, lazy simpleton. I mean you check all the boxes but somehow lack severely in one very crucial criterion for living with someone you love.
Make it make sense! Yoruba mother Oshun tends to play very cruel jokes sometimes. *eyeroll*
So, you mostly seem concerned about looking like a “nag” and are pre-emptively negotiating against yourself by assuring him you do not want him to change too much?
You need to speak up! That man is not a bloody mind reader.
My only worry is your continued silence, which I suspect will extend into your marriage. It will later see you either dealing with the lion’s share of domestic upkeep, nagging him to death or begging him to change.
I am wondering now if scrubbing a toilet is not a rudimentary life skill and why you are not asking him to do it?
Eventually your pleas will be met with a little resistance from that painfully foolish man…
How will he learn if you are not open about your concern, my baby?
He can somehow take on the task of sifting through chicken sh*t but can’t clean up on his own? Am I missing something?
Using a cleaning service will only temporarily minimise the conflict, but what happens when you can no longer afford it? What about the minor messes you do not want to leave for a professional cleaner, like his body hair?
Make cleaning a fun activity for you both and teach him that your love language is also clean spaces. Tell him how you feel safe in knowing that he has your back and that you are a team.
Teach him, do not shame him.
I suggest you take that beautiful, lazy man to your nearest Clicks or Dischem and hold his hand until you get to a detergent isle. Pack the basics: bleach, Domestos or Jik will do, a big tub of Green Pine Gel, some Handy Andy, and Mr Muscle for those tough, sticky stains.
Even let him pick out his fave colour for latex gloves and his own little bucket.