Miserable and confused from Graaff-Reinet in the Eastern Cape writes:
Liewe Lulu, My husband of 37 years has cheated on me. Together, we built a thriving 200-hectare sheep farming enterprise and were blessed with a beautiful 23-year-old daughter.
I am so confused. My husband is 60. We have decided to move forward, but it is really hard as I cannot get over this betrayal.
Please, help me. I really love my husband, but there is this huge elephant that lingers in our marriage. How can I get over this?
My dearest Miserable and confused…
Of the million ways to hurt your partner or damage a relationship, we tend to draw the line at cheating. I mean, we simply cannot stay with a cheater!
Pop culture also does not help our society because it is awash with the “cut the bum loose” narrative. Listen to any Mary J. Blige or Toni Braxton song and it pegs the victim of infidelity as a woman scorned. Anything to hurt him back.
Here’s a fact of life: few marital problems cause as much heartache and devastation as infidelity. The act undermines the very foundations of the union itself.
But God forbid we have an honest conversation about the infidelity. After all, it is not a “singularly or clearly defined situation”, or whatever psychologists say these days.
Babes, 37 years is a lot of years. Honestly. When both spouses are, however, committed to authentic healing, some marriages will survive and even come out stronger with even deeper levels of intimacy.
I suggest you start with forgiving yourself. Love is tricky. We cannot help who we give ourselves to. So, do not beat yourself up for wanting to forgive him and fighting tooth and nail to keep loving him.
Le wena (“You must also”) actively decide if you truly do want to forgive him. Who are you fooling saying that you forgive him, while deep inside a resentment lingers?
You chose to stay, babes. Healing is not linear. There are no rules for feeling whole again. It has been 37 years and people change.
Quick question, what would you really like to do? Yes, you are married, but that does not mean you are dead. Get acquainted with the concept of practicing a bit of autonomy in the relationship.
Where is the surprise? The razzmatazz”. I suggest you get the hell out there and start living your damn life. Your man must just get with the programme and start wanting to please you!
Actually, you are the queen. He must pine over you, fall at your feet, and kiss the bloody ground you walk on. Not the other way around.
This man is all of 60 years old. Doesn’t he have anything better to do? Read a newspaper, check his sugar levels, yell at the TV? In fact, he should be writing to Liewe Lulu asking how he can keep you after his colossal f-up.
Peace, love, light and happy New Year.