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Why can’t this farmer stop falling for her toxic ex?

Liewe Lulu is Food For Mzansi’s no-holds-barred agri agony aunty. While she receives many letters from across South Africa, preference is given to those who are working in the agricultural sector. Yes, farmers have issues too, and Liewe Lulu’s got the tissues

Coming Out Ex-hausted from Welkom in the Free State writes

Liewe Lulu,

I keep bouncing back in bed with my ex.

Let me explain. He was my first, we met when we were young, and our families have run a couple of piggeries and butcheries together.

Naturally after we finished university and joined our families in the farming business, we fell in love, moved in together and were engaged for six years.

He always joked and used to say he would marry me when we were old enough.

I believed it.

What I never anticipated was the continuous infidelity, but I forgave him.

Two years ago, I found out that he was getting married while we were still in a relationship and living together.

I had never been more hurt, he was my best friend and I thought he loved me, I thought we were soulmates.

Well, naturally I went crazy, gained a lot of weight, and was diagnosed with depression. I went for counselling and I am starting to get back on my feet again.

Five months ago, he called and asked to meet up. We had sex, very passionate sex, and have not stopped since. He will call and I will come.

I feel like a fool, I was getting over this man, but I find myself in his bed and I do not know why. I will see him happily married on my social feeds and get angry, but when he calls, I do not know man, then I fall into his trap.

Please help me…

Ex-hausted my dearest,

I think we need to call Father Merrin, (The Exorcist, 1979), because you, my babe, are in dire need of an Ex-orsist.

Where in the history pages of the Earth does it say that sex with a toxic ex is good idea mara?

Now I must be frank, having sex with an ex is a bit like eating your own vomit, in my opinion.

Dr’s verdict is in, your ex is an unscrupulous human being, and he is not healthy for you.

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First, you have my deepest sympathies, simply because of the death that must come to this relationship with this ass.

Your rendezvous has reached its sell-by date. Grieve and put it to rest, it is time to heal your self-worth and move forward like the queen you are.

A breakup survey conducted in 2017 reveals more than half of us single folks say thinking of their exes keeps them from finding love. We are human, and we are creatures of habit.

Nothing is more alluring than being in the arms of someone you once shared your life with. You will always have an inherent bond with an ex because of shared history and its “good friend” familiarity.

Be warned though, the meal might have tasted good once, twice, thrice and a fourth time, but eventually it will make you sick.

There is a kicker, though. There is a little science in why you won’t let go of that trifling, trifling man.

During intimacy, the brain releases feel-good chemicals like endorphins, dopamine and oxytocin. It is a natural response.

The trouble with us women though, as Greys Anatomy bad ass Dr Christina Yang once bluntly said, is that “Your heart lives in your vagina.”

Sorry.

Every time you go back you are hit with more oxytocin and you find yourself in a state of inertia.

You cannot evolve whilst engaging in sexual activity with someone who treats you like you are less than human.

When were you even soulmates with this person while they had no soul to begin with?  

Time to purge, and let it stay purged by cutting off contact. Yes, no more stalking this toxic ex’s social media. B-L-O-C-K.

Moving forward you need to learn to trust yourself by making better choices. It wasn’t only he who betrayed you, you did too by giving him the cat!

Forgive yourself and take full responsibility for your actions. You deserve better than a toxic ex who would up and marry a whole other secret somebody. That is psychological abuse.

The only way to reclaim your joy and power is to go through the fire of love and forgive yourself.

Healing is the freedom you seek.

Write to Liewe Lulu

Liewe Lulu is Food For Mzansi’s agri agony aunty. The content in this article is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical and/or psychological advice, diagnosis or treatment. Always seek the advice of a qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding any medical condition.

Liewe Lulu

Sassy, classy and a bit bad assy, no stone goes unturned as Liewe Lulu answers all your love woes. She's a ball of wisdom with all the answers to your burning questions, from personal hygiene to getting and bedding your lover. Liewe Lulu has got you covered.

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