Disconnected from Merrivale in Kwa-Zulu Natal writes…
Liewe Lulu,
I lost my husband three years ago, and he was my world.
We had just begun a new chapter on our little cattle farming enterprise in the Midlands and I thought this was a dream come true.
Unfortunately, we never know what the future holds, and he suddenly fell ill. After a year-long battle with cancer, he found peace. I was devastated to say the least.
Healing has not been easy, but I am slowly getting there and about a year ago I started dating again. I have fallen in love with a kind man who has been patient and understanding.
But the problem is he is not really the best communicator.
Whenever we are together, he will spend most of his time on the phone. I am quite the chatterbox and love having long conversations about all kinds of stuff. But I am beginning to think that he avoids talking to me.
His silence is deafening and sometimes I have days where I even compare him to my late husband, and I do not want to do that.
I love this man and he has kids from a previous relationship that I adore, but sometimes I feel like quitting.
Please help…
My dearest Disconnected
No matter how much you wish this man was just as chatty as you are, he is never going to be. Accept this and make peace with the fact that he is simply not wired that way.
My darling, most men are just not built to share every single emotion and thought like you do, so ease up on the pressure. They are a complex bunch of humans, and lack our flare for expression and what not…*eyeroll*
Yes, communication is the glue that keeps the relationship together. But the reason for that disconnect is that both of you probably express love in different ways or have different love languages.
Obviously, his lack of communication might leave you questioning the depth and strength of your love or may leave you feeling uncared for, but what if he communicates differently?
Maybe Mo’guy is shy! Not everything must be over-expressed or over the top and in your face, so maybe he just communicates differently.
You need to watch out for small gestures and little behaviours. Communication in a relationship is about getting in tune with one another and understanding your respective love languages.
On that note, have you made efforts to learn his love language?
Your approach could be what is keeping him at bay, so ease up on the pressure and let him come to you. A light joke here and there, no judgements, help him understand that there are no consequences for talking you. Make a conscious effort.
Also, comparison is the killer of progress, nana. So stop right in your tracks with immediate effect!
He is not your late husband. Do not compare, note commonalities. What qualities do both possess that attracted you to them in the first place? How do they make you feel safe?
The tricky thing is that if we could put all our past lovers in one room, they would legit turn into one whole perfect partner. Deep breaths and take the relationship in its stride…
E-mail your fave no-holds-barred agri agony aunt
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