Left in the Cold from Bloemfontein, Free State writes:
My fiancé and I seem to be drifting apart. We met while doing our studies four years ago. And when I first met him, yoh, this man used to annoy the hell out of me because I had a boyfriend, and he would not stop pursuing me.
After university I moved back home to help my parents on their land, where we currently farm with sheep and goats.
Last year I happened to run into him in town and the rest is history. He showered me in gifts, wined me and would tell all his friends and family that I was the one.
We both lusted and loved each other and couldn’t keep our hands to ourselves. He moved to my hometown after he found a job here. Then he asked me to move in and later proposed, and I said “yes”.
Six weeks passed and the honeymoon phase fizzled. I quickly learned that he was in a bad financial situation and had baby mama issues.
Sex is now a once or twice-a-month occasion and I am always the one to initiate it. I have tried wine, sexy lingerie and all my efforts are met with a side eye and some name calling.
He says that he hates his life and is miserable. We don’t talk and when we do it is an argument.
I feel unloved, undesirable and unwanted.
How do I get him turned on again? I feel like I was cheated because I thought he was the man of my dreams.
My Dearest Cold,
Out of sync libidos aside, a major red flag for me is this name calling business.
Ex-squeeeze me? Are we five or are we upstanding adults who can communicate their emotions in a mature manner? Is your relationship a playground? There is no excuse for that. For me that is a major indicator that this man and this mess of a relationship may not be the happy ending you seek, my love.
Sies… Name calling? What a dumb doodoohead.
Now, a man’s libido can be slowed by many different factors, be they physical or psychological.
I am sensing a disconnect between his head and equipment that could be triggered by, among others, sleep issues, stress, illness, and decreased testosterone…
Man sounds like he is stressed and possibly struggling with some major dysfunction in his life. This is nothing to be ashamed of.
We all have difficulties expressing ourselves, so maybe encourage him to speak to a therapist. If he is struggling, then no amount of sexy undies in your arsenal could snap him out if it!
There is a possibility that he is also one of those people who get turned on by the excitement of a new relationship and quickly runs out of steam. Maybe he was into the pursuit and idea of you as this unattainable love?
When the reality of the matter sinks in for these kinds of schmucks they realise that another person won’t make them happy. True happiness starts within.
Here is the real tea, though: There is no reason you must be in a relationship with someone who calls you names. The decision is yours, but chances are that this will not improve.
Please note that, should you leave, you are not leaving because of libidos and sexual dysfunction; you are leaving because the man you love is lashing out at you and this is a bad sign for the future.
I sound like a broken record, but you deserve better!