Loveless Lama from Christiana in the North West writes…
Liewe Lulu…
I am 30, farm with vegetables and specialise in maize crops.
In my day I have had a few serious relationships but have not met the man who loves me unconditionally.
I have seen unconditional love before between my parents.
I like to think that they have the perfect marriage and I always hoped I would find a partner who would love me the same way they love each other.
They taught me everything agri and moulded my interest in farming.
They may have different backgrounds and fight every now and then, but they have this mutual affection that just brings them back together again.
I have looked for that same intense bond in my own relationships.
Men have told me that they “loved” me but didn’t “love me” the way my parents loved each other.
I once dated a man who used me for my body and loved his work more than he even liked spending time with me. If I bothered him while he was working, he would become angry with me.
Another I dated was married and swore he was unhappy at home and leaving his wife for me. He loved me enough to want a relationship, but with limited time, so his wife would not find out about me.
Another loved me for years, but when offered an opportunity to move overseas, he just left. I am just plain unlucky with men.
I guess I want to know if I will ever find my soulmate. Or should I just accept that my partners use the word love only for their benefit?
Loveless My Dearest…
You do not have to kiss all these frogs to find your “Prince Charming”, you know.
Liewe Lulu wears her Hoe Is Life badge with honour, but you, my lamb, need to pump the brakes.
Quick thought neh, imagine if you looked for that intense passion you so desperately seek in YOU and radically love yourself first, perhaps?
Unconditional love will come, you do not have to go through such drastic measures like completely losing your standards to find it. These damn streets will leave you bruised and bloody, babes.
Unconditional love is hard. It means loving your significant other no matter how much you really wish you could smother them in their sleep when they keep you up with their loud snores.
Unconditional love is sacrifice, its setting aside your ego and compromising.
What are you willing to compromise when you engage in these relations with these pigs you have encountered?
In 19-voetsek, dating and love was simpler. Now we exist in an era where it is normal to build superficial relationships that end in divorce, just because you do not want to be alone…
The trauma.
You want what you want and to attract it you need to cool it with the scumbags, yes?
I am not saying wait in your ivory tower for this prince to rescue you. Work on you for you first and be comfortable in your criteria for relationships, even if it means you must be alone.
Warsan Shire’s Solitude says, “My alone feels so good… I’ll only have you if you’re sweeter than my solitude.”
Go on and be heavy on the self-love and solitude, baby.
And if you are still going to date, at least COMMUNICATE your expectations before it gets too serious. If they do not comply, point the bum to the door and simply say: “Don’t let the door hit you on the ass when you leave,” and then move on, boo boo.
No more dropping the standards and making temporary homes out of these men! (Another Warsan Shire tidbit… I could not help myself.)
You need permanency, it will come with time.
