Co-dependent farmer from Klerksdorp, North West writes…
I have been in a relationship with a wonderful, kind, and considerate man for the past three years.
He has been farming since he could walk while I only recently decided to commit myself to my poultry business.
He really is the love of my life and we make a great team. My dream is for us to be one of those powerhouse farming couples in the long run.
My issues arise when he gives me advice on a situation, and he always seems to be right about how it will either work out or end in tears.
Sometimes his intuition scares me, because it is so spot-on, I even wonder if he is a Sangoma or something. His insight and gut feeling are a gift.
I have only been farming for two years, and he inspired me to do it. My progress is very slow, but I am just managing to keep my head above water. Also, I am in no rush because I know I made the right decision to start.
We have had some scenarios in the relationship where he was right and I completely avoided disaster, and other situations where I decided to ignore his advice and it didn’t work out for me.
While he is gentleman enough to never rub my failure in my face, the cold response of, “I wish you had talked to me before you did that, and I could have saved you,” always rubs me the wrong way.
It does not feel like support and makes me want to scream. It makes me mad.
I know the advice comes from a place of love and guidance, but it has left me feeling dependent on him and incompetent in terms of my business.
I worked in the corporate sector as a junior accountant but decided on a different path, and farming was always something that intrigued me.
I own my own home and pay my own bills so I cannot be all that incompetent, right?
I want to fail without the subtle “I told you so”.
Am I being irrational or does this border on gaslighting?
The situation has affected my confidence and I don’t trust myself anymore.
My dearest Dependent
Maybe he does have the gift, maybe he is clairvoyant. *gasp*
I am kidding, swerrie! Now sip this tea: While you are frustrated by his need to be a knight in shining armour, I do not think that he is gaslighting you. I think mans has given good advice without fail and deadass think he has a killer gut sense.
I think in farming that is something you learn over time and he has perfected it.
It is understandable that you are frustrated, I think when you are venting to your boo, you are looking for a confidante and not solicited or unsolicited advice.
You can ignore the advice, you do not have to listen to his every word, you can make your own decisions.
Say with your chest: “Shut up and listen, I am venting.”
You need to speak up, babes, and communicate. Got it?
A concern for me is rebuilding your trust in yourself. I mean you are the only b*tch you should trust with your life, sis.
It obviously fades when we make a mistake here and there or when a certain someone makes us feel like we are stupid for making our own decisions.
Trusting yourself is one of the most valuable gifts you can give yourself. When you have made a decision for your business, run with it whether it flops or not. Claim back your autonomy in the relationship. And to trust yourself you need to dig deep, you need a lot of effort, self-love and the ability to look inward.
You are no damsel in distress, go claim your power back and develop your own goddam gut senses.